Life

It has been 15 days since I have written here. This second round of chemo has been about the same as the first.  A little easier because of what to expect, what not eat, what I can tolerate, etc.

Today was my third round.  I learned that my eyes are watering so bad, not only because of allergies, but because when on chemo your tear ducts get clogged.  I learned that you can have chemotherapy  induced menopause.  I was right that my fingernails being made out of the same fibers as hair that they are so sore.  Among other things I  have learned this past round, these have been the hardest.

People go through so many things, in private, in public, in their minds, in pain, spiritually, socially, mentally, physically, financially, medically.  We don't know why at this time.  We are here to learn.  We were told before we came to earth that there would be many challenges and decisions for us to make.  We have a Heavenly Father that loves us.  We have a PERFECT elder brother in Jesus Christ that is there for us.  He has sent the Holy Ghost to help us through trying times.  To this I testify!

Coming Out of the Dark

Why be afraid if I'm not alone
Though life is never easy the rest in unknown
Up to now for me it's been hands against stone
Spent each and every moment
Searching for what to believe

Coming out of the dark, I finally see the light now
It's shinning on me
Coming out of the dark, I know the love that saved me
You're sharing with me

Starting again is part of the plan
And I'll be so much stronger holding your hand
Step by step I'll make it through I know I can
It may not make it easier but I have felt you
Near all the way

Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Forever I'll stand on the rock
Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Love is all it takes, no matter what we face

When we lived in Florida, I really learned a lot about Gloria Estefan.  There were always stories on the news about how she was helping people all the time.  In I believe 1992, an 18-wheeler smashed into her tour bus and she broke her back.  It was a very painful time for her.  Her husband was right beside her all the way through this dark period.  When she got back on tour after she healed, she released this song.   For 5 days now, I have had the tune of this song embedded in my mind.   I feel like I am coming out of the dark.  But, most of all I know it is because I am so grateful for Keith.  He has put up with my mood swings, sleeping, complaining about dry mouth and itchy head.  He never says anything just rewards me with new hats and scarves to try and even with a trip at the end of the month with fun travel friends; to celebrate my halfway mark.  Thank You are words that are not enough, but Thank You.

Last Thursday, April  25th, was my 2nd treatment.  My friend Jodie went with me.  I am nervous about bringing people with me to 'treatment', because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable, or feel like they are just wasting time sitting there with me.  But, as soon as Jodie walked in she saw a puzzle and that was it she was all over it.  We did the 500 piece puzzle in 2.5 hours.

The after affects of this round of chemo have been pretty much the same.  A little easier, probably because I knew what to expect, and I know what foods will do OK and which will burn my tongue or other fun side effects.  Thursday, Friday are good.  Saturday, Sunday, and into Monday are not good, the growing pains, nausea and more, the fun just keeps coming.  Monday afternoon, I went outside and felt like I was coming out of a NFL tunnel to the field.

Now the worst thing is Tuesday, Wednesday, my tongue feels or tastes like sawdust and/or cardboard.  Keith asks how do you know how these things taste or feel?  I can only imagine it.  I feel like I could take my tongue and because it is so dry I could crush it like a frosted mini-wheat and see all the fibers fly.  (It has to be frosted for some good in the universe it has to be frosted).

One very important detail of these 2 rounds of chemo is that my hair began to fall out.  I would run my hand up my head and so much would come out, like shearing sheep?  I don't know I have never sheared a sheep?  But, it just kept coming.  It was 2 weeks to the day of my 1st treatment, April 18.  I sat in my living room not knowing whether to laugh or cry.  I did what all normal women do, they call their Mom's.  My question, how do I know when to shave it off?  She said, I think you bite the bullet and just do it.  If you wait you are going to wake up tomorrow and have more hair just laying on your pillow and then it will be all over the place.  So I called sweet Jonna and asked if I could be her last appointment for the day.  She said sure.

I went to the shop and she said, I am so sorry there are people here that had appointments.  Do you want to go into the bathroom, or another room so you can be alone?  I said, no they don't know me, I don't know them, we'll just do it out in the open.  Brave or cowardly (just wanting to get it over with), I don't which I was at that moment?  We started and sweet Jonna cried, I was doing OK until, I looked at Keith and there were tears in his eyes and then I cried.   I didn't bawl, mind you just cried.  So weird to see myself like this.  I thank Jonna for this incredible service that she was able to help me with. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.  Like I told you before, Keith and Kurt had to grow up in the same ward for you and I to become so close.

After I was finished, I had some invited friends to meet me at Dairy Queen.  I felt I needed some support.  It was fun to see everyone talking and being among friends.  Thank You for your indulgence.

God Bless America

God bless America, land that I LOVE.

Stand beside her and guide her.

Through the night with a light from above.

From the mountains, to the prairies,

From the oceans white with foam.

God bless America, my home sweet home!

 

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am very patriotic.  I cry at parades.  I cry when singing the star spangled  banner anywhere especially at baseball games.  I even cry when I see scouts getting ready to go to scout camp.  It is patriotic to me.

 

So, how can I post anything without thinking about what has happened in Boston.  So sad.  Two weeks after 9/11, Keith and I went to New York.  I think we have been back to New York every year since, minus 2 years.  It has been amazing to see ground zero come back to life.  What has happened in Boston is just so sad and I pray for those poor people.  They will bounce back, but it is sad that they even have to.

 

Last Friday, I was able to attend our niece's wedding.  Jessie Gold was a beautiful bride, she continues to be a beautiful lady.  I was able to see pretty much Keith's whole family, it was fun to be with them all on such a great occasion.  Fun to see cute Stacey home from her mission.  The best thing was that I felt really good.  A little tired, but I did feel good.

 

The next day Saturday, I worked for 7 hours and I think I did pretty well.  I worked the next day Sunday for 6 hours and that just about killed me.  I was so tired and felt the aches and pains.  Yesterday, when I woke up my feet were SO swollen, I had to put them up on pillows for a while to get the swelling down.  Boy am I out of shape.  WAY OUT OF SHAPE.

 

But on the whole, I am feeling really good right now.  I was speaking to my friend Diane.  She said they have noticed that people bounce back from chemo the first two times, but on the third time, it gets harder.  No rhyme or reason, no scientific anything, just what they have noticed.  I am happy to know that.  She also said the first few days I am really sick, is probably the neulasta, then the other days I am really sick is because of the chemo.

 

Yesterday, my wonderful friend Jonna went with me to pick up my wig.  I am not looking forward to losing my hair, but know it is inevitable.  My dear Mom went with me last week to look at wigs and pick them out.  With tears in our eyes we tried them on.  I love her so much.  She lost her parents at a very young age, and think about not having a mother or father.  I think about that a lot, and am so grateful to have them in my life to this day.

 

I am also so grateful for my wonderful family, and Keith's great family who have been so kind and supportive.  I am also grateful for incredible friends who call, text, send notes, go to lunch with me and just plain make me laugh.  I love you all.  This has been something that without everyone's support, I would be drowning.  But, because of you, I am a happy fish swimming.

I Walk by Faith

I will prepare to make and keep sacred covenants,

Seek promised blessings of the priesthood thru obedience,

Live my life to claim the blessing sweet of exaltation,

My testimony growing each new day.

I walk by faith, a daughter of heav’nly parents.

Divine am I in nature by inheritance.

The Spirit whispers of my mission, my individual worth,

So I seek for precious knowledge, for learning, and for growth.

I understand the meaning of accountability;

Ev’ry choice for good or ill is my responsibility.

I want to build the kingdom and good works is the key.

By doing what I know is right I show integrity.

I walk by faith, a daughter of heav’nly parents.

Divine am I in nature by inheritance.

And someday when God has proven me

I’ll see Him face to face.

But just for here and now I walk by faith.

Yes, just for here and now I walk by faith.

I can't believe it has been so long since I have updated.  If I were to be paid for blogging, I would have been fired long ago.

On Monday, April 1st, I went and met Dr. Ross Morgan, my Oncologist.  He said that my stage of cancer was a 2B.  I am in a gray area, borderline area.  Not a 0 or 1, but not a 3 or 4.  He said that I would be a good candidate for chemo because I am 45, pre-menopausal (sorry men), and I had a pin size found in my lymph node (so the cancer knows how to travel). BUT he talked to me for a long time about an ONCO DX test that is being conducted.

So ONCO DX: your tissue gets sent in and it is determined whether I am low risk/intermediate risk/high risk for the cancer to come back.  If I am a high risk then chemo is done automatically.  If I am low or intermediate, my name goes into a randomization to see if I will do chemo or not.

Keith asked if this was your wife, or daughter what would you do?  He said I would do chemo.  If I were to do chemo, it would be 6 times; every 21 days, with the drugs Taxotere & Cytoxan and a shot the next day after chemo to stimulate white blood cells.

Well, I have to tell you (anyone), I walked out of the office and I was M A D .  I had expected to go into the office and a doctor to say, this is what you have, and this is what we do to fix it.  I was there for 90 minutes and that is not what happened.  What had happened?  Why was I so mad?  I was confused.  Keith and I drove around for a while.  I don't want a machine making a decision for me if I should have chemo.  It is my life, I am not a project.

We ended up in the Salt Lake cemetery.  (I know great place to end up, no pun intended).  I was upset and crying.  I said, "If our friend, Tyler, can have a bench to pray and cry out loud on, why can't I" (if you're in our ward, you would understand).  Keith said, there is a bench right there.  It was a tombstone, I became cold stone and said oh no I can't do that there, thinking later, that is probably why that person who died put that bench there so that someone that is crying could have a place to sit and pray.

We turned the corner and there was President Hinckley's grave.  We decided to get out and sit there on the grass.  It was a rainy day.  We sat and talked for a while, then prayed for a while.  As I prayed, the sun came out and I felt peace when asking if I should have chemo.  Keith said, the three words that kept coming to my mind, WALK BY FAITH.  I said remember the line in my blessing where it said in the pre-earth life, I walked by sight, and here on earth I am to walk by faith.  There was such a peaceful feeling at that time; and we were so grateful for that assurance that Heavenly Father loves us.  Keith said, are you ready to pick up your handcart and cross the plains?  I said, what is this our trek this year?  He said yes.  I laughed and said OK, but we are not decorating our house with handcarts.

We returned to the doctor's office and set an appointment for chemo to start Thursday, April 4th.

The next day we were able to go do dinner with dear friends from Oregon, the Anderson's who we knew while living in Florida.  They told me of a time when living in New York, they had a dinner for a missionary that was going home and they were all giving him advice.  One lady said, 'just marry someone who will make it across the plains'.  With tears in her eyes, she said you will make it across the plains.  I was also in tears. With our stake trek coming up in June, I have been studying a lot about the pioneers who crossed the plains, and the pains they endured and wondered many times if I would be one who made the full journey?

-----------------------------------------------

So on to Thursday.  I was very nervous, not knowing what to expect, etc.  Kathy the nurse said, 'it's just like being in labor to give birth, there are many stories, but until you do it yourself, you don't know what happens.

So, Keith and I go into a room, just like a doctor's examining room, because we wanted to have a TV, in case we wanted to watch a movie or something.  My dear friend Diane Romney had given my the cutest bag, calling it my 'chemo bag', I was to fill it up with activities to do while sitting there during chemo sessions.  I did, a long with movies, games, and my IPad.

I sat in a big leather chair and got hooked up to an IV.  The first bag of fluid was 15 minutes, in it was anti-nausea medicine and steroids.  The next one was 1 hour and that was the Cytoxan, the next one was 1 hour and it was the Taxotere.  Keith texted a picture of me sitting there to my brother, who texted back, that is chemo?????  I replied yes, but it what is being put into your body that is the scary part.

Thursday, and Friday, I seemed to be doing OK.   Thursday, I took a walk around our neighborhood, it ended up being a 2 hour walk.  It was fun talking to neighbors and enjoying such great weather.  Friday, was our 17th anniversary so I was happy that I was doing better than I thought.  My parents ended up taking us to dinner to Rodizio Brazilian Restaurant.

The last 6 days have not been great, some being much worse than others.  I am grateful for Keith telling me it would be good to get up, go for a walk, drink water, and eat every few hours.

The side effects I have had are feeling like I have a sunburn from the inside out on the palms of my hands, my face, bottom of my feet and on my forearms.  Suntan lotion works great for this.  Burning in certain areas on my head, the burning goes away after 30 seconds or so, but I think that when the hair comes out, it will start at these areas of the burning.  There are also burning sensations on others parts of the body, on the skin.  These also, do not last long, but nevertheless are noticeable.  The 'growing type' pains I feel from the shot of Neulasta the day after chemo were painful to say the least.  My tongue gets burned very easily.  Tuesday, I was craving sweet and sour chicken, I didn't know how it would settle, but Keith went and got me some.  The chicken settled ok, but the sauce put my tongue on fire for two days.  My scalp itches like crazy a lot of the time.

This is such a new experience.  I feel like I am learning how to eat all over again.  Every day I will introduce something new and see if it will settle.  Toast, popsicles, crackers, yogurt, mashed potatoes, have worked so far, oh and a lot of Imodium.

This has not been easy for me.  I thought after the first week, I would feel like my old self.  I needed to learn that days 7 to 10 is when my white blood cells are at their lowest.  When I start to feel like my old self is when I will be ready for my next treatment.

I am definitely walking by faith.  I have made the decision that this is right and am going through with this.  It is an insurance policy, I took this into my hands.

Now, I am told that my hair will start to fall out 10 to 14 days after chemo, that my friends is a discussion for another day.

SMILE

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds, in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile, through your fear and sorrow
Smile, and there'll be tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
If you'll....
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near,
That's the time, you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you'll just....
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near,
That's the time, you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you'll just....
Smile


When I was in high school (many moons ago), I decided I wanted to find all the songs that were about 'SMILES'.  Believe it or not, there was no internet, and the card catalog at the library wasn't helping me much; so I would keep my ears open for songs on the radio or any mention of this type of a song.  The first song I found was this one above.  The music was written by silent film star Charlie Chaplin, the lyrics were added by John Turner, and Geoffrey Parsons.  There have been M A N Y artists who have sung this song Judy Garland, Tony Bennett; Eric Clapton, Nat King Cole, Natalie Cole; Sammy Davis Jr.; Robert Downey Jr., Jimmy Durante, MY FAVORITES, Michael Buble, Harry Connick Jr., Michael Jackson (this was his favorite song), and Elvis Costello {who I think Russell Crowe sounded like in 'Les Miserables', I just kept thinking Elvis Costello, Elvis Costello, and it made his voice acceptable} just to name a few.  (Yes, I am old)

This whole process is a very S  L  O  W moving one, until you get your treatment plan (then I hear it goes faster....we'll see).  I could be frustrated, but am so happy that I have decided to take it day by day.  I am choosing to smile.  I find about my treatment plan one week from tomorrow and yes, it does scare me a bit, smiles shall prevail (talking to myself).  When I tell some people that I am going through with chemo and/or radiation, whatever is recommended by the oncologist, their faces are full of confusion, "you still have to do that?".  I don't HAVE to, I guess I am choosing to.  I said to Keith I guess I could be done with everything and just go on with my life if I chose to?  But, I am not choosing that road.

This week I received a card from a dear friend with a quote from Jeffrey R. Holland which read,

"When you are confronted with challenges that are difficult to conquer or have questions arise, the answer to which you do not know; hold fast to the things you do know.  Hand on to your firmest foundation, however limited that may be, and from the position of strength face the unknown."

I have read and re-read that quote many times, and with a SMILE on my face I think how comforting.

Feeling Good

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good, I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea

You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on the tree
You know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me, for me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good
I'm feeling good
I feel so good

Yesterday I went and saw my surgeon and he took my drain out.  Hallelujah!!!!  He also took all the steri-strips off the incision area.  My sweet Mother went with me.  This has not been easy on her, nor my Father.  This is great news, except yesterday when I bent down to pick something up, I heard my insides, and it sounded like a bowl full of jelly about to erupt!  (gross, I know; would have been a great party trick, haha).

Dr. Fisher said, "Please live your life CANCER FREE, because you basically are."  Honestly I didn't hear anything else because the tears just flowed.  A second chance?  It made be think of the words of Alma,

 "And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?"

So now my next step is with the medical oncologist on April 1st.   I asked "Why does one need chemotherapy and/or radiation if they have had the affected appendage removed?'  The answer I received was, "it is like having car insurance, I don't plan on getting into an accident today, tomorrow or 3 weeks from now, but if I do, I am OK because I am paid up on my car insurance.  Chemotherapy and/or radiation is like that car insurance  I am not planning for cancer to peek its' head up again, but if it does, I am paid up on my insurance."  I am not ignorant to think that it will NEVER come back, even with a treatment plan.   But, later than sooner would be nice.

Today with the all bandages off and the drain and tube out, I have become more aware that I have lost a physical part of me.  I would be lying if I said I have not cried at all today with this becoming more apparent.  It was easier to take with my sweet husband, putting his arms around me saying, 'I love you just the way you are'.  Why has today been harder than the Sunday after surgery?  I don't know, but it has.

I know that prayers have been answered.  I know for a fact my name has been put on prayer rolls around the US, and will be put on the prayer roll in Stockholm by a dear friend in Norway, next month when she attends.  I am in awe of all the support and love that has been shown.  Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

Everybody Hurts.............Sometimes

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on.

Yesterday I had my post-op appointment with my surgeon Dr. Fisher..  He said that everything was healing well.  The drain couldn't come out.  It can come out when there is 30cc (1 ounce) of fluid in a 24 hour period and for the last two days, it has been at 60cc in a 12 hour period.  Pushing it too much I fear??????? I thought that I had been taking it easy, but realizing that I guess I haven't????

Tuesday is hopefully the day to get it out.

I spoke with the medical oncologists office today and my consultation appointment will be Monday, April 1st.  I will get the treatment plan that day and maybe even start that day or the next.  Things are progressing.

 

I don't know how I would be getting through this without friends and family.  Every time I turn around, there has been flowers, cards, texts, call, and much enjoyed visits.  Thank You.  It has helped so much.  I don't know what people do that don't have support, anybody, family, friends, anybody?

Last night I think that it hit me that I just have had major surgery and I had a little meltdown.  I hear "You need to take of yourself."  "You need to rest."  I am not doing this very well. I feel fine, sure the pain is there, and I get a little tired more easily, but I feel great.  I am not used to slowing down, I am used to going and doing.  This is hard. I have heard the term, 'I / We do hard things', but that is taking on a whole new meaning to me.  I am just wrapping my head around the fact that cancer has come into my life.  What I do with this is up to me......
 

A Child's Prayer

Heavenly Father are you really there and do you hear and answer every child's prayer
Some say that heaven is far away, but I feel it close around me as I pray.........

Yes He is.

Friday was surgery and as the previous post said things went very well. The tumor came right out, and they biopsied the two sentinel lymph nodes, the ones nearest to the tumor. They are taken and biopsied right then by the pathologist. They came out clean.

I was so nervous. I knew that I would have one drain, but if the lymph nodes were malignant also, I would have another drain. Before I went into the operating room, I asked my surgeon if he ever puts a drain in a node to be safe? He said no, and knew that I was scared and told me everything would work out. I was rolled into the operating room and that was the last thing I remembered until I heard my name in recovery. I tried to see if I had two drains, but I was so out of it, I couldn't tell. When I got to my room, there was my sweet husband and loving parents. I asked is there one or two drains? Keith said just one, and my mother said we will tell you in a minutes. When the orderlies left, my mother broke down and said, just one drain, we are so blessed. I just sobbed. I was so worried that it had spread into the lymph nodes. I will get the FINAL results this week.

Yesterday I took off my bandages and saw the incision for the first time.  It was a little traumatic, but got through it.  I am doing fine, it is just the drain that pinches.  It is a suction drain that goes into a clear plastic hand grenade looking object. It burns sometimes, but I know that it is all healing.

Tonight I got a call from Dr. Fisher to talk to me about the preliminary findings for the pathology report:

1.  3.9 cm
2.  Grade 1
3.  The margins were clear (negative or clean) around the tumor
4.  There were 2 lymph nodes taken out, but 3 lymph nodes were biopsied.  2 were clean, but one showed a 1mm cancer cell in one spot, Micrometastases.  1mm is such a small amount (the size of a guitar string) that there will not be a need for another surgery this week of more lymph nodes being taken, it will be addressed with the Medical Oncologist through chemo and/or radiation.

1.  The tumor was 3.9 cm or 1.5 inches, so it was smaller than was seen on the MRI, but definitely bigger than what was seen on the ultrasound.

2.  He said it was a Grade 1.
Grade is a “score” that tells you how different the cancer cells’ appearance and growth patterns are from those of normal, healthy breast cells. Your pathology report will rate the cancer on a scale from 1 to 3:

• Grade 1 or low grade (sometimes also called well differentiated): Grade 1 cancer cells look a little bit different from normal cells, and they grow in slow, well-organized patterns. Not that many cells are dividing to make new cancer cells.
• Grade 2 or intermediate/moderate grade (moderately differentiated): Grade 2 cancer cells do not look like normal cells and are growing and dividing a little faster than normal.
• Grade 3 or high grade (poorly differentiated): Grade 3 cells look very different from normal cells. They grow quickly in disorganized, irregular patterns, with many dividing to make new cancer cells.

Having a low-grade cancer is an encouraging sign. But keep in mind that higher-grade cancers may be more vulnerable than low-grade cancers to treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation therapy, which work by targeting fast-dividing cells.

Be careful not to confuse grade with stage, which is usually expressed as a number from 0 to 4 (often using Roman numerals I, II, III, IV). Stage is based on the size of the cancer and how far it has (or hasn’t) spread beyond its original location within the breast.

Grade is a “score” that tells you how different the cancer cells’ appearance and growth patterns are from those of normal, healthy breast cells. Your pathology report will rate the cancer on a scale from 1 to 3:

• Grade 1 or low grade (sometimes also called well differentiated): Grade 1 cancer cells look a little bit different from normal cells, and they grow in slow, well-organized patterns. Not that many cells are dividing to make new cancer cells.
• Grade 2 or intermediate/moderate grade (moderately differentiated): Grade 2 cancer cells do not look like normal cells and are growing and dividing a little faster than normal.
• Grade 3 or high grade (poorly differentiated): Grade 3 cells look very different from normal cells. They grow quickly in disorganized, irregular patterns, with many dividing to make new cancer cells.

Having a low-grade cancer is an encouraging sign. But keep in mind that higher-grade cancers may be more vulnerable than low-grade cancers to treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation therapy, which work by targeting fast-dividing cells.

Be careful not to confuse grade with stage, which is usually expressed as a number from 0 to 4 (often using Roman numerals I, II, III, IV). Stage is based on the size of the cancer and how far it has (or hasn’t) spread beyond its original location within the breast.

 

3.  Your pathology report may say that the surgical margins are:

• Clear (also called Negative or Clean): No cancer cells are seen at the outer edge of the tissue that was removed (the tumor along with the rim of surrounding tissue). Sometimes the pathology report also will tell you how wide the clear margin is — the distance between the outer edge of the surrounding tissue removed and the edge of the cancer. When margins are clear, usually no additional surgery is needed.
• Positive: Cancer cells come right out to the edge of the removed tissue. More surgery is usually needed to remove any remaining cancer cells.
• Close: Cancer cells are close to the edge of the tissue, but not right at the edge. More surgery may be needed.

An important note: There is not a standard definition of how wide a “clear margin” has to be. In some hospitals, doctors want 2 millimeters (mm) or more of normal tissue between the edge of the cancer and the outer edge of the removed tissue. In other hospitals, though, doctors consider a 1-mm rim of healthy tissue — and sometimes even smaller than that — to be a clear margin. As you talk with your doctor about whether your margins were clear, positive, or close, you also can ask how “clear” is defined by your medical team.

 

4.  Definition: Micrometastasis is a small collection of cancer cells that have been shed from the original tumor and spread to another part of the body. They can not be seen with any imaging tests such as mammogram, MRI, ultrasound, PET, or CT scans. These migrant cancer cells may group together and form a second tumor, which is so small that it can only be seen under a microscope.

Andrea is out of surgery

Andrea is done with surgery. The tumor came off complete when they removed the breast. Also the sentinel lymph nodes look negative. They will do pathology on both the tumor and the lymph nodes, but the doctor said this is the outcome he was hoping for!

Happy to be 'Moving Right Along'

Today I am feeling just like my title, Happy to be Progressing.  My surgery is slated for Friday at LDS (outpatient).  The left side will be removed and then about 3 to 4 weeks later, depending on healing time, I can start treatments (whatever they may be).

Then after that time, I will have the other surgery, the right side removed and reconstruction at the same time. Progressing.

Things I learned today is that I need to have a pillow, like a cough pillow to help get up.  Yoga pants are good and shirts that button up.  Little things that I should know?  NO.  I should write a book.  That's not going to happen.  The old saying is that if you looked at every one's challenges on a line you would go and pick your own.  I feel that way to.  Through this process, IMC, has helped me along the way, every step, making appointments, suggesting who to talk to and my insurance UHC has helped with an excellent nurse who calls with answers to questions I didn't even know I had.  I realize people aren't that lucky.

I was able to go to lunch with some great friends Friday and Monday.  Keith and I were able to go to dinner Friday with family and more great friends on Saturday.  We are truly blessed.  I have an amazing husband, that when the tears start to fall, says it's OK, cry your heart out and we'll move on together.

I see that I am rambling, those of you who truly know me, know that I have 5 stories going on at once.  Now it is in writing.

I wonder, I wonder what people do who don't have the gospel of Jesus Christ do that gives them hope in their darkest hour?  Christ lives, he suffered for us and knows our pain.  Faith is what I need to walk with right now and for the rest of my life.

Looks like surgery will happen on Friday. A single mastectomy on Friday with a sentinel lymph node procedure. I have decided to have the other breast removed and have reconstruction during the same surgery at a later time.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

Happy, Happy Day!!!!!!!

Yesterday I had a talk with Patti to tell her that the tumor was bigger than expected.  While talking to her she said that the reason it could be swelling from the biopsy.  But that would make more sense if went from 1.8 to say a 3 or so, but 6.1?????????

So I called my surgeon Dr. Fisher and he called me back right away.  The first thing he said was that the results had already come back from the right side and it was BENIGN just fibrous tissue.  Good news, no GREAT NEWS!

I told him I was concerned that the tumor was bigger in the MRI report than the ultrasound report and asked if the tumor could be bigger because of the swelling.  Could be but 6.1 is a lot bigger than 1.8.

I asked about doing a double mastectomy instead of a single one because of the feature of the carcinoma (funny I always associated that word with cigarettes since I was little, don't know why) being lobular, (I have a mix of both ductal and lobular) does mean that I have a higher risk to develop this on the right side, not by spreading, but it just happens.



TERMINOLOGY

Milk ducts. Ductal carcinoma is the most common type of breast cancer. This type of cancer forms in the lining of a milk duct within your breast. The ducts carry breast milk from the lobules, where it's made, to the nipple.

Milk-producing lobules. Lobular carcinoma starts in the lobules of the breast, where breast milk is produced. The lobules are connected to the ducts, which carry breast milk to the nipple.

One thing if I do keep one breast, because of what I have just explained, I have been told that I will have to have a mammogram and/or MRI every six month on the right side, which makes me think I should do a double mastectomy?  There are a few decisions to make and we are thinking and praying about them.

He said that the ultrasound gave us 2-D pictures where the MRI gave us 3-D pictures.  He also said that he wanted to talk to a medical oncologist to see if I should see him before the surgery to do chemotherapy to shrink the tumor down so when he does surgery he won't have to cut the chest.  The MRI showed that it was invasive (that it hadn't spread - contained) but they won't know until they get in there and check the lymph nodes.

The outcome of all this is that I have an appointment with Dr. Fisher to examine the tumor again, to determine if I need to meet with Dr. Morgan the medical oncologist.

Who knew when this arises in a person, that there is so much legwork to make sure all areas have been thoroughly examined and know the best decision has been made.

I had someone ask me today, which do you want to happen the chemotherapy before the surgery or just the surgery this week?  My reply whatever is the best for me?  That can only be decided by professionals, who I am praying for that their minds are clear and focused on the task at hand for me and all of those who are wondering about their next move in their medical journey.

Today we found out that the MRI showed that the tumor on the left breast is 6.1  centimeters, which is bigger than the 1.8 as originally thought.  With 5.0 being the deciding factor given by my surgeon.  I will have to have a mastectomy of the left breast.

This morning we went to the breast care center, where I had an ultrasound and a mammogram.  Then we went to radiology and had a MRI guided biopsy.  Actually, they performed 2 biopsies and to that I say better safe than sorry.  They said I will have the 'mother of all bruises'.  Have to wait and see, for now sitting here locked and loaded with ice that is........

Then we went back to the breast care center for a post biopsy mammogram.  We also got to see the MRI from Monday and that was interesting to see that the tumor in the left one was very bright.

We are doing great tonight, just exhausted.

Here's to a calm and soothing weekend.....

Emotional

On the way to meet with the Doctor yesterday, I got a call from IMC Breast Care Center that they may have found an abnormality in the right breast, so they would like me to come and have an ultrasound.  If they do find something with the ultrasound they would like me to have a MRI guided biopsy on the right breast.  My heart sank, my world stopped for a minute and all these thoughts were floating in my head like it's now all over my body, etc. I lost it and the tears came.

Keith reminded me what Patty and other Doctors had said that sometimes MRI's can create false positives.  It's OK.  B R E A T H E, we'll go do this and if there is something we caught it now and not years later.  It's OK.  B R E A T H E.  Remember you chose to take one day at a time.

I met with my surgeon, who I really like and feel very comfortable with.  Right now I am having a lumpectomy next Friday, March 8.  I can do this because the tumor is small, if it was any bigger, I wouldn't have a choice and would have to have a mastectomy.  On the day of the surgery, they first do what is called a ___________ which is they attach a line that sticks out that the surgeon follows to see where exactly to operate.  He takes that out.  Then they cut a little under the arm and put some dye in to follow where the lymph nodes are and he take the first 2 or 3 that he sees.  The pathologist is there and begins to test the tumor and lymph nodes to see what stage we are at.  This takes about 72 hours.

The only change--------

The only change is if they find some malignancy in the right breast, then I have chosen to have a double mastectomy, unless those tumors are small in the right breast then maybe a double lumpectomy.  It is a waiting game.

The Monday After......................

After a whirlwind weekend, and a few tears, I am here on Monday feeling calm.  I have decided that my approach will be take it 'day by day, and do what the doctor's say'; yet still feel like I have no idea what is in store for me.

Yesterday, I felt calm, and peaceful and wondered if this was a feeling that people feel when prayers are offered in your behalf?  I feel so blessed and unworthy of such great affection.  I need to serve people more, I need to so bad, not the other way around.

Today was the MRI.  My Father took me to IMC Campus and I went in.  It was very interesting that you are on your stomach during this test.  Personally, if you have to have a MRI, this is the way to go.  You are on your stomach, your face is in a massage type pillow.  You don't really know you are in the tube.  I literally closed my eyes, and if they hadn't told me they were pushing me in and pulling me out, I wouldn't have known I was in the tube.

They did pictures without contrast, and then some with contrast.  Boy that contrast is cold going through your veins.

They just kept saying, 'You did great! You did great!'  I was thinking what does a person who doesn't do great do??? Jump up and out of the tube?????  I did great so I learned today that I only jump at movies.

Today, I got some great news. I learned, that through United Health Care, they have a program called OptumHealth Cancer Resource.  Through this program, I have been given my own, Oncology Nurse, a kind of health coach to help me through every step of the way.  Her name is Patty.  I spoke with her today for more than a half of an hour.  She has been doing this for over 30 years and gave me great support and answered questions for me, and defined words and situations for me.  From what I understand, she will be there every step of the way.  She said that right now, it is a confusing time, until you get a plan of attack, then it gets a bit smoother.

Today, I was able to talk to a dear friend who was in my LDS in Florida.  She lives in Baltimore and was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in 2011.  Like I told her, I don't wish that she had this, but so happy that I can talk to someone, so strong, that has been through this journey as well and can stand and say, yes I have been through it and you are strong and will do great.  One thing she said that I clung to is that she has learned through this that in the pre-existence she signed up for this so yes, she can do this.  I knew this would happen in the pre-existence, and wanted to follow Father's Plan.

Tomorrow, I meet with the surgeon for my consultation....

Let's Start At the Very Beginning.....A Very Good Place to Start

The first week of January 2013, I heard something tell me, 'there are going to be some things happen to you in the next little while, but everything will be ok'. Well I knew who I heard that from, it was the Holy Ghost, the comforter, that is given to everyone. So I thought OK and went on about my life. Never in a million years did I think that one of these 'THINGS' would be a diagnosis of Breast Cancer. I thought other things that happened to me in January were the possibilities, such as breaking my two teeth, my dog Zooey chewing my glasses (frames and lenses), a bad cold, ingrown toenail (sorry to put that in here but HELLO, it hurt), a cataract that has grown very big in my left eye. Wouldn't you call that some 'THINGS' to get through? Needless to say this has thrown me for a loop.

The first part of February, I felt a hard lump on my left breast, and didn't think that was too normal, so while, I already had a OB/GYN appointment, I called and told them about this. They scheduled the next Mammogram appointment available on February 13. I went to LDS hospital and had the mammogram. Afterward, Doris, said, I am going to show these to a radiologist, and if they need more pictures, we'll do some more, or they will come get you for the Ultrasound. So she sits me in a room, I am beginning to think, they see what I see and feel, and a few minutes later the Sonographer comes and gets me and we go do the Ultrasound. Then she goes and gets a Radiologist. Dr. Peterson and he looks at everything and says, we can see what you are feeling and because of the hardness of this lump, I suggest you go and get a biopsy. So I get a biopsy scheduled for the next available time, the next Wednesday, February 20. Everyone there was SOO nice and comforting.

This time I go to IMC Breast Center and I have the Biopsy. Everyone there was no nice. The Dr. that did the biopsy, Dr. Green, was so, so nice. She said when she looked at the mammogram, she didn't see anything, and wondered why I was there ( good, I thought, it is small), but now that I see it and feel the hardness, I know why you are here. After the biopsy, she suggested that I set up an appointment for an MRI, and a surgical consultation because if it comes back bad news, things are set in place; and if it good news we just cancel everything. (OK, I think) I come out of the biopsy with an icepack under my left arm and tell Keith that I was packing, not heat, but ice. (OK, I thought that was funny). Buster my 3 year old nephew was so excited later that day that you could go to the doctors and they would give you an ice pack. It doesn't take much for a 3 year old.

So,  I meet with the Breast Center coordinator and we look through a whole possibilities of Doctors, then we see who is on our insurance, and pick one. We set the MRI up for Monday, February 25, and the surgical consultation on Tuesday, February 26th, and I would get the results on Friday.  This is all happening so fast, and I begin to get a bit overwhelmed, I look at Keith with huge eyes and take a deep breath. One minute at a time, one minute at a time.

Friday comes and I am a little nervous. I seriously thought that it would have to be taken out, but nothing else. Keith calls me at 11:30 a.m. and says should we call, we did. Kathy the receptionist says your results haven't come up yet. We are checking them every hour. About 12:30 Keith calls, there are some results up on myIHC.com, but I don't understand them. We call and they are at lunch. We call back at 1:10 and talk to a Doctor Parkinson. This guy was so bubbly and helpful. He says yes some of the results have come back, but the final word is not in yet, some tests have been done that are only done if it is malignant. I will say right now that it is malignant, and we will call you back with the final in about 15 to 20 minutes. True to his word, Doctor Parkinson calls back and says that I have a malignant tumor. It is less than 3/4 of an inch long. Honestly, I heard everything he said, but didn't understand it. He got done, I called Keith and said, will you please call him back because I did not really understand what he said. He did. Diagnosis

Malignant Tumor

Invasive carcinoma with mixed ductal and lobular features

1.8 cm in size >>> less than 3/4 of an inch in size --- size of a marble

ER/PR Positive >>> that is good because they think they can treat it using hormone therapies

HER 2+

 

Do you see why I only understood Malignant Tumor??????