Coming Out of the Dark

Why be afraid if I'm not alone
Though life is never easy the rest in unknown
Up to now for me it's been hands against stone
Spent each and every moment
Searching for what to believe

Coming out of the dark, I finally see the light now
It's shinning on me
Coming out of the dark, I know the love that saved me
You're sharing with me

Starting again is part of the plan
And I'll be so much stronger holding your hand
Step by step I'll make it through I know I can
It may not make it easier but I have felt you
Near all the way

Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Forever I'll stand on the rock
Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Love is all it takes, no matter what we face

When we lived in Florida, I really learned a lot about Gloria Estefan.  There were always stories on the news about how she was helping people all the time.  In I believe 1992, an 18-wheeler smashed into her tour bus and she broke her back.  It was a very painful time for her.  Her husband was right beside her all the way through this dark period.  When she got back on tour after she healed, she released this song.   For 5 days now, I have had the tune of this song embedded in my mind.   I feel like I am coming out of the dark.  But, most of all I know it is because I am so grateful for Keith.  He has put up with my mood swings, sleeping, complaining about dry mouth and itchy head.  He never says anything just rewards me with new hats and scarves to try and even with a trip at the end of the month with fun travel friends; to celebrate my halfway mark.  Thank You are words that are not enough, but Thank You.

Last Thursday, April  25th, was my 2nd treatment.  My friend Jodie went with me.  I am nervous about bringing people with me to 'treatment', because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable, or feel like they are just wasting time sitting there with me.  But, as soon as Jodie walked in she saw a puzzle and that was it she was all over it.  We did the 500 piece puzzle in 2.5 hours.

The after affects of this round of chemo have been pretty much the same.  A little easier, probably because I knew what to expect, and I know what foods will do OK and which will burn my tongue or other fun side effects.  Thursday, Friday are good.  Saturday, Sunday, and into Monday are not good, the growing pains, nausea and more, the fun just keeps coming.  Monday afternoon, I went outside and felt like I was coming out of a NFL tunnel to the field.

Now the worst thing is Tuesday, Wednesday, my tongue feels or tastes like sawdust and/or cardboard.  Keith asks how do you know how these things taste or feel?  I can only imagine it.  I feel like I could take my tongue and because it is so dry I could crush it like a frosted mini-wheat and see all the fibers fly.  (It has to be frosted for some good in the universe it has to be frosted).

One very important detail of these 2 rounds of chemo is that my hair began to fall out.  I would run my hand up my head and so much would come out, like shearing sheep?  I don't know I have never sheared a sheep?  But, it just kept coming.  It was 2 weeks to the day of my 1st treatment, April 18.  I sat in my living room not knowing whether to laugh or cry.  I did what all normal women do, they call their Mom's.  My question, how do I know when to shave it off?  She said, I think you bite the bullet and just do it.  If you wait you are going to wake up tomorrow and have more hair just laying on your pillow and then it will be all over the place.  So I called sweet Jonna and asked if I could be her last appointment for the day.  She said sure.

I went to the shop and she said, I am so sorry there are people here that had appointments.  Do you want to go into the bathroom, or another room so you can be alone?  I said, no they don't know me, I don't know them, we'll just do it out in the open.  Brave or cowardly (just wanting to get it over with), I don't which I was at that moment?  We started and sweet Jonna cried, I was doing OK until, I looked at Keith and there were tears in his eyes and then I cried.   I didn't bawl, mind you just cried.  So weird to see myself like this.  I thank Jonna for this incredible service that she was able to help me with. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.  Like I told you before, Keith and Kurt had to grow up in the same ward for you and I to become so close.

After I was finished, I had some invited friends to meet me at Dairy Queen.  I felt I needed some support.  It was fun to see everyone talking and being among friends.  Thank You for your indulgence.