Life

It has been 15 days since I have written here. This second round of chemo has been about the same as the first.  A little easier because of what to expect, what not eat, what I can tolerate, etc.

Today was my third round.  I learned that my eyes are watering so bad, not only because of allergies, but because when on chemo your tear ducts get clogged.  I learned that you can have chemotherapy  induced menopause.  I was right that my fingernails being made out of the same fibers as hair that they are so sore.  Among other things I  have learned this past round, these have been the hardest.

People go through so many things, in private, in public, in their minds, in pain, spiritually, socially, mentally, physically, financially, medically.  We don't know why at this time.  We are here to learn.  We were told before we came to earth that there would be many challenges and decisions for us to make.  We have a Heavenly Father that loves us.  We have a PERFECT elder brother in Jesus Christ that is there for us.  He has sent the Holy Ghost to help us through trying times.  To this I testify!

Coming Out of the Dark

Why be afraid if I'm not alone
Though life is never easy the rest in unknown
Up to now for me it's been hands against stone
Spent each and every moment
Searching for what to believe

Coming out of the dark, I finally see the light now
It's shinning on me
Coming out of the dark, I know the love that saved me
You're sharing with me

Starting again is part of the plan
And I'll be so much stronger holding your hand
Step by step I'll make it through I know I can
It may not make it easier but I have felt you
Near all the way

Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Forever I'll stand on the rock
Forever, forever I stand on the rock of your love
Love is all it takes, no matter what we face

When we lived in Florida, I really learned a lot about Gloria Estefan.  There were always stories on the news about how she was helping people all the time.  In I believe 1992, an 18-wheeler smashed into her tour bus and she broke her back.  It was a very painful time for her.  Her husband was right beside her all the way through this dark period.  When she got back on tour after she healed, she released this song.   For 5 days now, I have had the tune of this song embedded in my mind.   I feel like I am coming out of the dark.  But, most of all I know it is because I am so grateful for Keith.  He has put up with my mood swings, sleeping, complaining about dry mouth and itchy head.  He never says anything just rewards me with new hats and scarves to try and even with a trip at the end of the month with fun travel friends; to celebrate my halfway mark.  Thank You are words that are not enough, but Thank You.

Last Thursday, April  25th, was my 2nd treatment.  My friend Jodie went with me.  I am nervous about bringing people with me to 'treatment', because I don't want them to feel uncomfortable, or feel like they are just wasting time sitting there with me.  But, as soon as Jodie walked in she saw a puzzle and that was it she was all over it.  We did the 500 piece puzzle in 2.5 hours.

The after affects of this round of chemo have been pretty much the same.  A little easier, probably because I knew what to expect, and I know what foods will do OK and which will burn my tongue or other fun side effects.  Thursday, Friday are good.  Saturday, Sunday, and into Monday are not good, the growing pains, nausea and more, the fun just keeps coming.  Monday afternoon, I went outside and felt like I was coming out of a NFL tunnel to the field.

Now the worst thing is Tuesday, Wednesday, my tongue feels or tastes like sawdust and/or cardboard.  Keith asks how do you know how these things taste or feel?  I can only imagine it.  I feel like I could take my tongue and because it is so dry I could crush it like a frosted mini-wheat and see all the fibers fly.  (It has to be frosted for some good in the universe it has to be frosted).

One very important detail of these 2 rounds of chemo is that my hair began to fall out.  I would run my hand up my head and so much would come out, like shearing sheep?  I don't know I have never sheared a sheep?  But, it just kept coming.  It was 2 weeks to the day of my 1st treatment, April 18.  I sat in my living room not knowing whether to laugh or cry.  I did what all normal women do, they call their Mom's.  My question, how do I know when to shave it off?  She said, I think you bite the bullet and just do it.  If you wait you are going to wake up tomorrow and have more hair just laying on your pillow and then it will be all over the place.  So I called sweet Jonna and asked if I could be her last appointment for the day.  She said sure.

I went to the shop and she said, I am so sorry there are people here that had appointments.  Do you want to go into the bathroom, or another room so you can be alone?  I said, no they don't know me, I don't know them, we'll just do it out in the open.  Brave or cowardly (just wanting to get it over with), I don't which I was at that moment?  We started and sweet Jonna cried, I was doing OK until, I looked at Keith and there were tears in his eyes and then I cried.   I didn't bawl, mind you just cried.  So weird to see myself like this.  I thank Jonna for this incredible service that she was able to help me with. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.  Like I told you before, Keith and Kurt had to grow up in the same ward for you and I to become so close.

After I was finished, I had some invited friends to meet me at Dairy Queen.  I felt I needed some support.  It was fun to see everyone talking and being among friends.  Thank You for your indulgence.

God Bless America

God bless America, land that I LOVE.

Stand beside her and guide her.

Through the night with a light from above.

From the mountains, to the prairies,

From the oceans white with foam.

God bless America, my home sweet home!

 

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am very patriotic.  I cry at parades.  I cry when singing the star spangled  banner anywhere especially at baseball games.  I even cry when I see scouts getting ready to go to scout camp.  It is patriotic to me.

 

So, how can I post anything without thinking about what has happened in Boston.  So sad.  Two weeks after 9/11, Keith and I went to New York.  I think we have been back to New York every year since, minus 2 years.  It has been amazing to see ground zero come back to life.  What has happened in Boston is just so sad and I pray for those poor people.  They will bounce back, but it is sad that they even have to.

 

Last Friday, I was able to attend our niece's wedding.  Jessie Gold was a beautiful bride, she continues to be a beautiful lady.  I was able to see pretty much Keith's whole family, it was fun to be with them all on such a great occasion.  Fun to see cute Stacey home from her mission.  The best thing was that I felt really good.  A little tired, but I did feel good.

 

The next day Saturday, I worked for 7 hours and I think I did pretty well.  I worked the next day Sunday for 6 hours and that just about killed me.  I was so tired and felt the aches and pains.  Yesterday, when I woke up my feet were SO swollen, I had to put them up on pillows for a while to get the swelling down.  Boy am I out of shape.  WAY OUT OF SHAPE.

 

But on the whole, I am feeling really good right now.  I was speaking to my friend Diane.  She said they have noticed that people bounce back from chemo the first two times, but on the third time, it gets harder.  No rhyme or reason, no scientific anything, just what they have noticed.  I am happy to know that.  She also said the first few days I am really sick, is probably the neulasta, then the other days I am really sick is because of the chemo.

 

Yesterday, my wonderful friend Jonna went with me to pick up my wig.  I am not looking forward to losing my hair, but know it is inevitable.  My dear Mom went with me last week to look at wigs and pick them out.  With tears in our eyes we tried them on.  I love her so much.  She lost her parents at a very young age, and think about not having a mother or father.  I think about that a lot, and am so grateful to have them in my life to this day.

 

I am also so grateful for my wonderful family, and Keith's great family who have been so kind and supportive.  I am also grateful for incredible friends who call, text, send notes, go to lunch with me and just plain make me laugh.  I love you all.  This has been something that without everyone's support, I would be drowning.  But, because of you, I am a happy fish swimming.

I Walk by Faith

I will prepare to make and keep sacred covenants,

Seek promised blessings of the priesthood thru obedience,

Live my life to claim the blessing sweet of exaltation,

My testimony growing each new day.

I walk by faith, a daughter of heav’nly parents.

Divine am I in nature by inheritance.

The Spirit whispers of my mission, my individual worth,

So I seek for precious knowledge, for learning, and for growth.

I understand the meaning of accountability;

Ev’ry choice for good or ill is my responsibility.

I want to build the kingdom and good works is the key.

By doing what I know is right I show integrity.

I walk by faith, a daughter of heav’nly parents.

Divine am I in nature by inheritance.

And someday when God has proven me

I’ll see Him face to face.

But just for here and now I walk by faith.

Yes, just for here and now I walk by faith.

I can't believe it has been so long since I have updated.  If I were to be paid for blogging, I would have been fired long ago.

On Monday, April 1st, I went and met Dr. Ross Morgan, my Oncologist.  He said that my stage of cancer was a 2B.  I am in a gray area, borderline area.  Not a 0 or 1, but not a 3 or 4.  He said that I would be a good candidate for chemo because I am 45, pre-menopausal (sorry men), and I had a pin size found in my lymph node (so the cancer knows how to travel). BUT he talked to me for a long time about an ONCO DX test that is being conducted.

So ONCO DX: your tissue gets sent in and it is determined whether I am low risk/intermediate risk/high risk for the cancer to come back.  If I am a high risk then chemo is done automatically.  If I am low or intermediate, my name goes into a randomization to see if I will do chemo or not.

Keith asked if this was your wife, or daughter what would you do?  He said I would do chemo.  If I were to do chemo, it would be 6 times; every 21 days, with the drugs Taxotere & Cytoxan and a shot the next day after chemo to stimulate white blood cells.

Well, I have to tell you (anyone), I walked out of the office and I was M A D .  I had expected to go into the office and a doctor to say, this is what you have, and this is what we do to fix it.  I was there for 90 minutes and that is not what happened.  What had happened?  Why was I so mad?  I was confused.  Keith and I drove around for a while.  I don't want a machine making a decision for me if I should have chemo.  It is my life, I am not a project.

We ended up in the Salt Lake cemetery.  (I know great place to end up, no pun intended).  I was upset and crying.  I said, "If our friend, Tyler, can have a bench to pray and cry out loud on, why can't I" (if you're in our ward, you would understand).  Keith said, there is a bench right there.  It was a tombstone, I became cold stone and said oh no I can't do that there, thinking later, that is probably why that person who died put that bench there so that someone that is crying could have a place to sit and pray.

We turned the corner and there was President Hinckley's grave.  We decided to get out and sit there on the grass.  It was a rainy day.  We sat and talked for a while, then prayed for a while.  As I prayed, the sun came out and I felt peace when asking if I should have chemo.  Keith said, the three words that kept coming to my mind, WALK BY FAITH.  I said remember the line in my blessing where it said in the pre-earth life, I walked by sight, and here on earth I am to walk by faith.  There was such a peaceful feeling at that time; and we were so grateful for that assurance that Heavenly Father loves us.  Keith said, are you ready to pick up your handcart and cross the plains?  I said, what is this our trek this year?  He said yes.  I laughed and said OK, but we are not decorating our house with handcarts.

We returned to the doctor's office and set an appointment for chemo to start Thursday, April 4th.

The next day we were able to go do dinner with dear friends from Oregon, the Anderson's who we knew while living in Florida.  They told me of a time when living in New York, they had a dinner for a missionary that was going home and they were all giving him advice.  One lady said, 'just marry someone who will make it across the plains'.  With tears in her eyes, she said you will make it across the plains.  I was also in tears. With our stake trek coming up in June, I have been studying a lot about the pioneers who crossed the plains, and the pains they endured and wondered many times if I would be one who made the full journey?

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So on to Thursday.  I was very nervous, not knowing what to expect, etc.  Kathy the nurse said, 'it's just like being in labor to give birth, there are many stories, but until you do it yourself, you don't know what happens.

So, Keith and I go into a room, just like a doctor's examining room, because we wanted to have a TV, in case we wanted to watch a movie or something.  My dear friend Diane Romney had given my the cutest bag, calling it my 'chemo bag', I was to fill it up with activities to do while sitting there during chemo sessions.  I did, a long with movies, games, and my IPad.

I sat in a big leather chair and got hooked up to an IV.  The first bag of fluid was 15 minutes, in it was anti-nausea medicine and steroids.  The next one was 1 hour and that was the Cytoxan, the next one was 1 hour and it was the Taxotere.  Keith texted a picture of me sitting there to my brother, who texted back, that is chemo?????  I replied yes, but it what is being put into your body that is the scary part.

Thursday, and Friday, I seemed to be doing OK.   Thursday, I took a walk around our neighborhood, it ended up being a 2 hour walk.  It was fun talking to neighbors and enjoying such great weather.  Friday, was our 17th anniversary so I was happy that I was doing better than I thought.  My parents ended up taking us to dinner to Rodizio Brazilian Restaurant.

The last 6 days have not been great, some being much worse than others.  I am grateful for Keith telling me it would be good to get up, go for a walk, drink water, and eat every few hours.

The side effects I have had are feeling like I have a sunburn from the inside out on the palms of my hands, my face, bottom of my feet and on my forearms.  Suntan lotion works great for this.  Burning in certain areas on my head, the burning goes away after 30 seconds or so, but I think that when the hair comes out, it will start at these areas of the burning.  There are also burning sensations on others parts of the body, on the skin.  These also, do not last long, but nevertheless are noticeable.  The 'growing type' pains I feel from the shot of Neulasta the day after chemo were painful to say the least.  My tongue gets burned very easily.  Tuesday, I was craving sweet and sour chicken, I didn't know how it would settle, but Keith went and got me some.  The chicken settled ok, but the sauce put my tongue on fire for two days.  My scalp itches like crazy a lot of the time.

This is such a new experience.  I feel like I am learning how to eat all over again.  Every day I will introduce something new and see if it will settle.  Toast, popsicles, crackers, yogurt, mashed potatoes, have worked so far, oh and a lot of Imodium.

This has not been easy for me.  I thought after the first week, I would feel like my old self.  I needed to learn that days 7 to 10 is when my white blood cells are at their lowest.  When I start to feel like my old self is when I will be ready for my next treatment.

I am definitely walking by faith.  I have made the decision that this is right and am going through with this.  It is an insurance policy, I took this into my hands.

Now, I am told that my hair will start to fall out 10 to 14 days after chemo, that my friends is a discussion for another day.

SMILE

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds, in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile, through your fear and sorrow
Smile, and there'll be tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
If you'll....
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near,
That's the time, you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you'll just....
Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear, may be ever so near,
That's the time, you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you'll just....
Smile


When I was in high school (many moons ago), I decided I wanted to find all the songs that were about 'SMILES'.  Believe it or not, there was no internet, and the card catalog at the library wasn't helping me much; so I would keep my ears open for songs on the radio or any mention of this type of a song.  The first song I found was this one above.  The music was written by silent film star Charlie Chaplin, the lyrics were added by John Turner, and Geoffrey Parsons.  There have been M A N Y artists who have sung this song Judy Garland, Tony Bennett; Eric Clapton, Nat King Cole, Natalie Cole; Sammy Davis Jr.; Robert Downey Jr., Jimmy Durante, MY FAVORITES, Michael Buble, Harry Connick Jr., Michael Jackson (this was his favorite song), and Elvis Costello {who I think Russell Crowe sounded like in 'Les Miserables', I just kept thinking Elvis Costello, Elvis Costello, and it made his voice acceptable} just to name a few.  (Yes, I am old)

This whole process is a very S  L  O  W moving one, until you get your treatment plan (then I hear it goes faster....we'll see).  I could be frustrated, but am so happy that I have decided to take it day by day.  I am choosing to smile.  I find about my treatment plan one week from tomorrow and yes, it does scare me a bit, smiles shall prevail (talking to myself).  When I tell some people that I am going through with chemo and/or radiation, whatever is recommended by the oncologist, their faces are full of confusion, "you still have to do that?".  I don't HAVE to, I guess I am choosing to.  I said to Keith I guess I could be done with everything and just go on with my life if I chose to?  But, I am not choosing that road.

This week I received a card from a dear friend with a quote from Jeffrey R. Holland which read,

"When you are confronted with challenges that are difficult to conquer or have questions arise, the answer to which you do not know; hold fast to the things you do know.  Hand on to your firmest foundation, however limited that may be, and from the position of strength face the unknown."

I have read and re-read that quote many times, and with a SMILE on my face I think how comforting.

Feeling Good

Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good, I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea

You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on the tree
You know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when the day is done, that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me, for me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me

And I'm feeling good
I'm feeling good
I feel so good

Yesterday I went and saw my surgeon and he took my drain out.  Hallelujah!!!!  He also took all the steri-strips off the incision area.  My sweet Mother went with me.  This has not been easy on her, nor my Father.  This is great news, except yesterday when I bent down to pick something up, I heard my insides, and it sounded like a bowl full of jelly about to erupt!  (gross, I know; would have been a great party trick, haha).

Dr. Fisher said, "Please live your life CANCER FREE, because you basically are."  Honestly I didn't hear anything else because the tears just flowed.  A second chance?  It made be think of the words of Alma,

 "And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?"

So now my next step is with the medical oncologist on April 1st.   I asked "Why does one need chemotherapy and/or radiation if they have had the affected appendage removed?'  The answer I received was, "it is like having car insurance, I don't plan on getting into an accident today, tomorrow or 3 weeks from now, but if I do, I am OK because I am paid up on my car insurance.  Chemotherapy and/or radiation is like that car insurance  I am not planning for cancer to peek its' head up again, but if it does, I am paid up on my insurance."  I am not ignorant to think that it will NEVER come back, even with a treatment plan.   But, later than sooner would be nice.

Today with the all bandages off and the drain and tube out, I have become more aware that I have lost a physical part of me.  I would be lying if I said I have not cried at all today with this becoming more apparent.  It was easier to take with my sweet husband, putting his arms around me saying, 'I love you just the way you are'.  Why has today been harder than the Sunday after surgery?  I don't know, but it has.

I know that prayers have been answered.  I know for a fact my name has been put on prayer rolls around the US, and will be put on the prayer roll in Stockholm by a dear friend in Norway, next month when she attends.  I am in awe of all the support and love that has been shown.  Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

Everybody Hurts.............Sometimes

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.
Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.

Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.
Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on.

Yesterday I had my post-op appointment with my surgeon Dr. Fisher..  He said that everything was healing well.  The drain couldn't come out.  It can come out when there is 30cc (1 ounce) of fluid in a 24 hour period and for the last two days, it has been at 60cc in a 12 hour period.  Pushing it too much I fear??????? I thought that I had been taking it easy, but realizing that I guess I haven't????

Tuesday is hopefully the day to get it out.

I spoke with the medical oncologists office today and my consultation appointment will be Monday, April 1st.  I will get the treatment plan that day and maybe even start that day or the next.  Things are progressing.

 

I don't know how I would be getting through this without friends and family.  Every time I turn around, there has been flowers, cards, texts, call, and much enjoyed visits.  Thank You.  It has helped so much.  I don't know what people do that don't have support, anybody, family, friends, anybody?

Last night I think that it hit me that I just have had major surgery and I had a little meltdown.  I hear "You need to take of yourself."  "You need to rest."  I am not doing this very well. I feel fine, sure the pain is there, and I get a little tired more easily, but I feel great.  I am not used to slowing down, I am used to going and doing.  This is hard. I have heard the term, 'I / We do hard things', but that is taking on a whole new meaning to me.  I am just wrapping my head around the fact that cancer has come into my life.  What I do with this is up to me......