Tuesday, April 16, 2013

God Bless America


God bless America, land that I LOVE.

Stand beside her and guide her.

Through the night with a light from above.

From the mountains, to the prairies,

From the oceans white with foam.

God bless America, my home sweet home!
 
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am very patriotic.  I cry at parades.  I cry when singing the star spangled  banner anywhere especially at baseball games.  I even cry when I see scouts getting ready to go to scout camp.  It is patriotic to me.
 
So, how can I post anything without thinking about what has happened in Boston.  So sad.  Two weeks after 9/11, Keith and I went to New York.  I think we have been back to New York every year since, minus 2 years.  It has been amazing to see ground zero come back to life.  What has happened in Boston is just so sad and I pray for those poor people.  They will bounce back, but it is sad that they even have to.
 
Last Friday, I was able to attend our niece's wedding.  Jessie Gold was a beautiful bride, she continues to be a beautiful lady.  I was able to see pretty much Keith's whole family, it was fun to be with them all on such a great occasion.  Fun to see cute Stacey home from her mission.  The best thing was that I felt really good.  A little tired, but I did feel good.
 
The next day Saturday, I worked for 7 hours and I think I did pretty well.  I worked the next day Sunday for 6 hours and that just about killed me.  I was so tired and felt the aches and pains.  Yesterday, when I woke up my feet were SO swollen, I had to put them up on pillows for a while to get the swelling down.  Boy am I out of shape.  WAY OUT OF SHAPE.
 
But on the whole, I am feeling really good right now.  I was speaking to my friend Diane.  She said they have noticed that people bounce back from chemo the first two times, but on the third time, it gets harder.  No rhyme or reason, no scientific anything, just what they have noticed.  I am happy to know that.  She also said the first few days I am really sick, is probably the neulasta, then the other days I am really sick is because of the chemo.
 
Yesterday, my wonderful friend Jonna went with me to pick up my wig.  I am not looking forward to losing my hair, but know it is inevitable.  My dear Mom went with me last week to look at wigs and pick them out.  With tears in our eyes we tried them on.  I love her so much.  She lost her parents at a very young age, and think about not having a mother or father.  I think about that a lot, and am so grateful to have them in my life to this day.
 
I am also so grateful for my wonderful family, and Keith's great family who have been so kind and supportive.  I am also grateful for incredible friends who call, text, send notes, go to lunch with me and just plain make me laugh.  I love you all.  This has been something that without everyone's support, I would be drowning.  But, because of you, I am a happy fish swimming.


Friday, April 12, 2013

I Walk by Faith

I will prepare to make and keep sacred covenants,
Seek promised blessings of the priesthood thru obedience,
Live my life to claim the blessing sweet of exaltation,
My testimony growing each new day.
I walk by faith, a daughter of heav’nly parents.
Divine am I in nature by inheritance.
The Spirit whispers of my mission, my individual worth,
So I seek for precious knowledge, for learning, and for growth.
I understand the meaning of accountability;
Ev’ry choice for good or ill is my responsibility.
I want to build the kingdom and good works is the key.
By doing what I know is right I show integrity.
I walk by faith, a daughter of heav’nly parents.
Divine am I in nature by inheritance.
And someday when God has proven me
I’ll see Him face to face.
But just for here and now I walk by faith.
Yes, just for here and now I walk by faith.
I can't believe it has been so long since I have updated.  If I were to be paid for blogging, I would have been fired long ago.
On Monday, April 1st, I went and met Dr. Ross Morgan, my Oncologist.  He said that my stage of cancer was a 2B.  I am in a gray area, borderline area.  Not a 0 or 1, but not a 3 or 4.  He said that I would be a good candidate for chemo because I am 45, pre-menopausal (sorry men), and I had a pin size found in my lymph node (so the cancer knows how to travel). BUT he talked to me for a long time about an ONCO DX test that is being conducted.
So ONCO DX: your tissue gets sent in and it is determined whether I am low risk/intermediate risk/high risk for the cancer to come back.  If I am a high risk then chemo is done automatically.  If I am low or intermediate, my name goes into a randomization to see if I will do chemo or not.
Keith asked if this was your wife, or daughter what would you do?  He said I would do chemo.  If I were to do chemo, it would be 6 times; every 21 days, with the drugs Taxotere & Cytoxan and a shot the next day after chemo to stimulate white blood cells.
Well, I have to tell you (anyone), I walked out of the office and I was M A D .  I had expected to go into the office and a doctor to say, this is what you have, and this is what we do to fix it.  I was there for 90 minutes and that is not what happened.  What had happened?  Why was I so mad?  I was confused.  Keith and I drove around for a while.  I don't want a machine making a decision for me if I should have chemo.  It is my life, I am not a project.
We ended up in the Salt Lake cemetery.  (I know great place to end up, no pun intended).  I was upset and crying.  I said, "If our friend, Tyler, can have a bench to pray and cry out loud on, why can't I" (if you're in our ward, you would understand).  Keith said, there is a bench right there.  It was a tombstone, I became cold stone and said oh no I can't do that there, thinking later, that is probably why that person who died put that bench there so that someone that is crying could have a place to sit and pray.
We turned the corner and there was President Hinckley's grave.  We decided to get out and sit there on the grass.  It was a rainy day.  We sat and talked for a while, then prayed for a while.  As I prayed, the sun came out and I felt peace when asking if I should have chemo.  Keith said, the three words that kept coming to my mind, WALK BY FAITH.  I said remember the line in my blessing where it said in the pre-earth life, I walked by sight, and here on earth I am to walk by faith.  There was such a peaceful feeling at that time; and we were so grateful for that assurance that Heavenly Father loves us.  Keith said, are you ready to pick up your handcart and cross the plains?  I said, what is this our trek this year?  He said yes.  I laughed and said OK, but we are not decorating our house with handcarts.
We returned to the doctor's office and set an appointment for chemo to start Thursday, April 4th.
The next day we were able to go do dinner with dear friends from Oregon, the Anderson's who we knew while living in Florida.  They told me of a time when living in New York, they had a dinner for a missionary that was going home and they were all giving him advice.  One lady said, 'just marry someone who will make it across the plains'.  With tears in her eyes, she said you will make it across the plains.  I was also in tears. With our stake trek coming up in June, I have been studying a lot about the pioneers who crossed the plains, and the pains they endured and wondered many times if I would be one who made the full journey?
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So on to Thursday.  I was very nervous, not knowing what to expect, etc.  Kathy the nurse said, 'it's just like being in labor to give birth, there are many stories, but until you do it yourself, you don't know what happens.
So, Keith and I go into a room, just like a doctor's examining room, because we wanted to have a TV, in case we wanted to watch a movie or something.  My dear friend Diane Romney had given my the cutest bag, calling it my 'chemo bag', I was to fill it up with activities to do while sitting there during chemo sessions.  I did, a long with movies, games, and my IPad.
I sat in a big leather chair and got hooked up to an IV.  The first bag of fluid was 15 minutes, in it was anti-nausea medicine and steroids.  The next one was 1 hour and that was the Cytoxan, the next one was 1 hour and it was the Taxotere.  Keith texted a picture of me sitting there to my brother, who texted back, that is chemo?????  I replied yes, but it what is being put into your body that is the scary part.

Thursday, and Friday, I seemed to be doing OK.   Thursday, I took a walk around our neighborhood, it ended up being a 2 hour walk.  It was fun talking to neighbors and enjoying such great weather.  Friday, was our 17th anniversary so I was happy that I was doing better than I thought.  My parents ended up taking us to dinner to Rodizio Brazilian Restaurant.

The last 6 days have not been great, some being much worse than others.  I am grateful for Keith telling me it would be good to get up, go for a walk, drink water, and eat every few hours.

The side effects I have had are feeling like I have a sunburn from the inside out on the palms of my hands, my face, bottom of my feet and on my forearms.  Suntan lotion works great for this.  Burning in certain areas on my head, the burning goes away after 30 seconds or so, but I think that when the hair comes out, it will start at these areas of the burning.  There are also burning sensations on others parts of the body, on the skin.  These also, do not last long, but nevertheless are noticeable.  The 'growing type' pains I feel from the shot of Neulasta the day after chemo were painful to say the least.  My tongue gets burned very easily.  Tuesday, I was craving sweet and sour chicken, I didn't know how it would settle, but Keith went and got me some.  The chicken settled ok, but the sauce put my tongue on fire for two days.  My scalp itches like crazy a lot of the time.

This is such a new experience.  I feel like I am learning how to eat all over again.  Every day I will introduce something new and see if it will settle.  Toast, popsicles, crackers, yogurt, mashed potatoes, have worked so far, oh and a lot of Imodium.

This has not been easy for me.  I thought after the first week, I would feel like my old self.  I needed to learn that days 7 to 10 is when my white blood cells are at their lowest.  When I start to feel like my old self is when I will be ready for my next treatment.

I am definitely walking by faith.  I have made the decision that this is right and am going through with this.  It is an insurance policy, I took this into my hands.

Now, I am told that my hair will start to fall out 10 to 14 days after chemo, that my friends is a discussion for another day.